A Legacy Of Lesbian Love Letters (No 8) - DEAR SAPPHO

August 14, 1994
Cayenne - I'm really glad you responded to my e-mail. God, this is a hard one (coming to terms with my femme-self).  In some ways although I wear my ''femenness'' on my sleeve (so to speak) - I still grapple with it on an intellectual and emotional level.  As a child I always liked typical girl femmey things - dolls, dresses - and didn't like butchy things - sports, rough housing etc. . . . In fact, girls that I grew up with that I now recognize as butch, I was afraid of and I steered clear. (Could it be that I ''knew'' of my forbidden desires even then?)
I came out as a lesbian in '84 - wow already 10 years. . . At first it was more of a curiosity than a burning desire . . . From the start I was always attracted to butch dykes.  I would notice a beautiful woman - and still do - but in a completely different way than a handsome woman.  When I look at femme dykes my thought process is something like ''She's beautiful, I wonder what that hair cut would looke like on me . . . ''  When I see a butch dyke I don't think, my body responds. . .


I tried to deny my attraction to butch dykes and even went through years of trying to be butch myself.  I tried this because it was not p.c.(=politically correct) or acceptable, and women that I met would always ask me if I was bi or straight. . . It really pissed me off.  I felt like I was always having to prove that I was a dyke. . . At any rate, about 3-4 years ago I started to reassess things.  I began to realize that I could no more change myself to make myself butch or andro than I could change my attraction to butchy dykes.  Not only that - but I didn't want to change either one of these.  I realized that this dynamic . . . is as much a part of me as my soul itself.  It is a part of me at the innermost level and I finally began. . . to nurture and explore it.  I've decided that I don't want to settle for anything other than what my soul desires, which is a butch complement to my femme-self.  An equal (but different) partner.  So I'm waiting until I meet her. . .
How about your ''coming out'' as a butch - what has that been like for you?  . . . I was pleased to get your e-mail yesterday and look forward to hearing from you soon.  (I'll be waiting in my impatient femme-way.)  
How did you choose the name Cayenne and what is your real name?
Gigi


GIGI TO CAYENNE
Cayenne (40 years old) and Gigi (33 years old) fell in love ''on-line'' before they actually met in September, 1994.  Gigi moved from Austin to San Fransisco in July 1995 to be with Cayenne.  They are deliriously happy in butch/femme heaven. (1996)


From the book
DEAR SAPPHO A Legacy of Lesbian Love Letters
by KAY TURNER
Publishers:  THAMES AND HUDSON, 1996